It's funny how thoughts can just disappear. They aren't tangible in any sense, though I guess they must have some effect on your brain. I wonder if choosing to think about things causes your brain to physically change. It's got to, I've heard memories are essentially rewritten every time you try to recall them. Perhaps that's how we get out of touch with one another. We start to revise history about our lives events into stories that we like to remember. Without sharing those stories with each other, we probably start to remember things differently. It's hard not to think about getting "dumped". The term dumped is funny, it's like you're trash. I guess breaking up is a gentler term. I wish I knew how to get people to communicate with me like I'm willing to with them. It's hard, because I don't want to demand it, I just want them to want to. I think people are too uncomfortable with being uncomfortable. Comfort zones seem dangerous to me, almost like a way to close your mind. It's probably the reason political discourse is so dismal. Maybe it's really always been as bad as it is today. I just don't see the rationality behind forcing someone to do something, and thinking that that's what's going to make them better people or the world a better place. Societal change has to start on the individual level. We don't get to think for anybody else, so why do we think we can mold them with rules? Sure, rules are necessary, but learning has to be more important than rules. Perhaps that's why rules are meant to be broken, because we just learn when they don't apply anymore. That's got to be the toughest part about religion. People want to think they have everything figured out, or that they have some sort of hand book. I don't think you can write an instruction manual for life, and if you could, would you really want to just follow other people's instructions? I wouldn't. There's always at least two ways to look at something. Infinite ways really. It's funny that there are actually 3 sides to a coin. I wonder if this is productive. It's got to be at some level. I don't know why I've never really taken to just writing for writing's sake. Maybe it's actually for my sake. I wish people would think aloud to me more. I just want to know! What do you care about people!? I can't believe I've gotten upset at Maddo for not doing that with me. That's a really strange thing to let upset you. I need to be better at accepting not knowing. It's funny really, the inconsistencies you can find within yourself when you just peek below the surface. Perhaps I need to work on explaining myself. People want to understand me too I think. But I don't want to make them understand me. I just want to be understandable. I think we could all benefit from being more understanding of one another. Maybe that's just what good friends are, people who get each other. That's probably what sucks the most about Maddo leaving. It makes me feel like I really don't understand her. But that's probably just because our relationship meant more to me in the end. I would never have abandoned her. That probably scares her. I wish it didn't, but I can't do anything about that really. I probably should start breaking my thoughts up into paragraphs. It might help me focus.
New paragraph. Okay. Well it's not really like I have a topic in mind. Perhaps the spacing of text is the best part about paragraphs. Huge blocks of text can be pretty intimidating. I really long to be understood. I don't think it's possible, not at an holistic level. No one will ever completely understand somebody else. But it's worth trying right? Isn't it fun to get to know people? Is there somebody out there who I will want to know as much about as they will want to know about me? Or better yet, is there someone who will want me to try to understand them as much as I try to understand myself? I hope so.
Perhaps I'm being too analytical about life. Damn science and philosophy. Well, I mean, I don't think you can damn a subject, but there's probably a reason other people find philosophy a whole lot less interesting than I do. It's a shame really. Why is really the most important question isn't it? Isn't the capability of asking why what makes us intelligent? Isn't it how we've separated ourselves from the rest of the animals? They don't ask themselves why. I know Moose probably could never grasp that concept. It's funny to try to think about how a dog thinks. It's got to just be a highly emotional experience. I miss that dog. I should try to see her soon.
Well this feels like a whole lot of rambling. It's soothing though. I need to keep doing this. It's impressive how you don't have to feel alone if you converse with yourself. It's still a whole lot worse than getting to converse with somebody else though. Maybe some day I'll find somebody willing to talk to me about anything and everything. Maybe I just need to find more people to talk to.
I need to end this. I'm really tired. I can't believe how hard it is to work these days. Modeling drying processes just isn't all that inspiring. I think reading that is explanation enough of why it's not. Oh, I'm not sure I should be an engineer. But I'm good at it. It can be fun. I think I just need to move on to a new project. I'll get there.
Alright. Time to pass out for a bit. This whole free flowing writing thing is kind of fun though. Hard to stop at times. But alas, I need to turn my thoughts to dreams so I can at least get something productive done today.
Here's to getting better every day.
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