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Lost and numb

I feel lost and oddly numb tonight. I don't really know what is happening to me emotionally. I think there is still a very big hole in my life, and it's all because Maddo is gone. I try to act as if I'm moving on, but I know I don't want to be alone. I've dealt with losing the best friendship I've ever had for the past 40 some days. And it hasn't really gotten much better. I feel an ocean of different emotions, from anger, to regret, to disappointment and rejection. But I've never stopped loving her. I don't think I will stop for quite some time, which is probably why I shouldn't date for a good long while. It would be entirely unfair to the other person. I just need to be able to be open about the past. I'm sure I'll find the right girl for me eventually (and probably spend some fun times with others along the way), but I need to focus on reality. What should I be doing with my life to be happy? I need a different role at work. Spray drying is consuming my soul and spitting it back out uninspired and underwhelmed with my work. I need to just wrap up the modeling project I'm working on. I also need a fucking vacation. I really shouldn't have 80+ hours saved up. I just don't have anybody to use it with anymore. At least not the person I had planned on.

My final week, alone but with her, but not. It makes me feel so terribly uncertain about my life and my friendships with others. I feel as if I just got lost in a dream and never woke up. And now I'm so alone.

I'm sure I will get better. Someone will find me and love me for me. Now if only I will be able to do the same, my life will get better.

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