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Am I depressed?

Is this what depression feels like? I think I might need some sort of therapy. But I don't really want to pay for it. I'm just so low and want somebody to care about me. I miss her so much. I wish I would've realized just how low I was. I was so uninterested in my life and that's no fun to live with. I don't know what I want to do. I want to wait for her. 

It's probably not healthy though. I'm not ready to move on yet. I guess it's almost been a month now since my reality change. I've been running away from it. I don't know how to face it though. I don't want to be without her. The problem with heartbreak is there just so much pain and all you can do is try to accept it. I feel like I never got a warning. And that's probably because I didn't. The way she broke the news to me felt so selfish. "I'm leaving, I don't want you to come. Sorry." How did I mean so little to you? I think I just can't comprehend why you're so compelled to leave. I've never had that angst before. I wanted to see the world with you Maddo. I was just to scared to do it right away. The world felt right when I was with you. And now I don't know how to experience it.

Why don't I want anything? I want to make the world a better place, but what does that even entail? Is being kind to others enough? I want to be a better person. But I'm not ready for how alone I feel. I'm not ready for her to be gone, and yet in my heart I know she left what already feels like an eternity ago.

My body aches. Just aches so so much. I wonder how long it will take me to accept this loss. It's like I'm dying a death every time I think about her. I just need to remember that I really do want to be happy. I want to be fine being alone again. I don't know that I've ever been all that good at being alone. Perhaps I need to seek approval less. I try to be such an idealistic and individualistic person, and yet I struggle without the validation of such a love. 

I'm so sorry and you're the one who broke up with me. I feel like my world is upside down, and I just need to start finding and fixing my problems.

I think this whole free flowing writing exercise is really helpful. I'm afraid it's all going to look like gibberish, but it is so helpful when it comes to sorting out my thoughts. I'm not a strong person on my own. But I don't have to be alone. So many people love me, if I would just be open with them, I'm sure they would try to help.

I'm not as smart as I wish I were, but I'm smart enough to know there's nothing I can't do if I'm willing to out my mind to it.

May we never try to change the ones we love, but hope to be there for then through any change that finds them.


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