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I had lunch with Maddo today, which was a weird thing to do after crying myself to sleep, but when I saw her, I realized I didn't want to be with her. I didn't want what we had. What I still want is what I thought I had. But what I thought I had isn't what I lost.

What I lost was a flawed relationship, full of the problems I never knew how to deal with, many of which I wasn't willing to admit at the time.

But where I'm trying to go with this is everything I went through with her was absolutely worth it, because I was happy. I still can't really grasp yet how much it's taught me, and how much I'm still learning in reflection. And the peace I feel when I think about it like that is undeniable, and gives me a lot of hope for the next relationship I have.

Because I'm flawed, and she will be too, but I look forward to my love for her being strengthened by those flaws. But that's only going to happen if she's willing to reflect like I am, if she's willing to embrace imperfections, laugh about them, cry about them, and in the end look at them as opportunities to become a better person.

It feels good to have hope. I refuse to lose that.


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What is it? You know. It holds you back, and it's okay that it is alluring. You need to do it sometimes to remember that you  don't want to do it. Accept it. Forgive it. Face it. Fix it. You don't have to be perfect.  But you can always try to learn to be more perfect. Your anxiety is telling you things. Important interpretations of your surroundings. Your choices are yours to make. And yours to live with so adapt accordingly. Be creative with your choices and you will benefit as you learn to do what is best.