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Yay Anxiety!

I gave you more than you asked to receive. I misinterpreted you sharing as a desire to feel care through the expression of understanding and thought of you. The distance between us is too broad of an expanse for you to expend the energy to keep in touch. 

I get it. I don't agree with it, but I accept it. I don't need to convince you otherwise. Knowing you this briefly has taught me what a longer connection never could. Vision taught me that a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts. It's a simple truth, but it resonates. I wish it wasn't over, but I also see that it is better for me in ways that it ended so quick.

What do we owe one another? You told me it amounts to nothing. I think you're right, but I think you missed that a good relationship is never owed. We choose it. It's a verb we do because we want it. It's not about debts to be served, but service freely given. Or maybe you already know that and just don't want to give any more. Thank you for giving me what you did.

From the standpoint of base desire, I doubt I'm much different than anyone else. I want to be wanted by the ones I want. I want security. I want to feel care, love, and kindness. The way I'm willing to receive those, however, does not seem so common.

I'm willing to share. I'm willing to give. I want mutuality, that's what entices me most, but I don't have to receive in equal measure to find joy. I don't need all of someone to myself to trust that they're mine. If I can trust you to be honest, I can trust you with the most vulnerable parts of me. I also trust I will be more than okay when I'm no longer wanted. Sure, it will hurt, but that's okay too.

Thank you for teaching me to embrace that about myself, to face the anxiety I feel about it and fake it until I make it. I like that I am willing to give, and I see now that what I didn't like about it was seeking the reassurance that it was well received. The gift stands alone. It can be welcome without a reply. The nerves I experience in wait are mine, and they are neutral - they aren't wrong with me, they just are.

To give is strong. To be willing to lose, to be willing to hurt, to be willing to be left wanting... is something worthy of pride. Thank you for teaching me that I am perfect exactly as I am, even when I am impotently anxious. It is exactly what I needed to learn to let go of my worries when they come.


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