Skip to main content

Yay Anxiety!

I gave you more than you asked to receive. I misinterpreted you sharing as a desire to feel care through the expression of understanding and thought of you. The distance between us is too broad of an expanse for you to expend the energy to keep in touch. 

I get it. I don't agree with it, but I accept it. I don't need to convince you otherwise. Knowing you this briefly has taught me what a longer connection never could. Vision taught me that a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts. It's a simple truth, but it resonates. I wish it wasn't over, but I also see that it is better for me in ways that it ended so quick.

What do we owe one another? You told me it amounts to nothing. I think you're right, but I think you missed that a good relationship is never owed. We choose it. It's a verb we do because we want it. It's not about debts to be served, but service freely given. Or maybe you already know that and just don't want to give any more. Thank you for giving me what you did.

From the standpoint of base desire, I doubt I'm much different than anyone else. I want to be wanted by the ones I want. I want security. I want to feel care, love, and kindness. The way I'm willing to receive those, however, does not seem so common.

I'm willing to share. I'm willing to give. I want mutuality, that's what entices me most, but I don't have to receive in equal measure to find joy. I don't need all of someone to myself to trust that they're mine. If I can trust you to be honest, I can trust you with the most vulnerable parts of me. I also trust I will be more than okay when I'm no longer wanted. Sure, it will hurt, but that's okay too.

Thank you for teaching me to embrace that about myself, to face the anxiety I feel about it and fake it until I make it. I like that I am willing to give, and I see now that what I didn't like about it was seeking the reassurance that it was well received. The gift stands alone. It can be welcome without a reply. The nerves I experience in wait are mine, and they are neutral - they aren't wrong with me, they just are.

To give is strong. To be willing to lose, to be willing to hurt, to be willing to be left wanting... is something worthy of pride. Thank you for teaching me that I am perfect exactly as I am, even when I am impotently anxious. It is exactly what I needed to learn to let go of my worries when they come.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Unapologetic Paraphrasing of Bastiat's Apology for Landed Property

This is my admittedly snarky paraphrasing of Bastiat's rambling apology on Landed Property in his Economic Harmonies . I think by translating the verbiage into modern terms, which I couldn't help but do so with a pinch of sarcasm, it becomes clear he didn't prove much of anything at all. Instead, a reader feels underwhelmed by its points and overwhelmed by the verbosity of his rather banal parables. Even though he shows what actually causes land to increase in value when he describes the improvements of a city/town growing around land, he insists that all the gained value obtained by landlords by that mechanism is actually just the fruits of their past labors, ignoring his own supposition that value comes from the service provided, in the case of Land, by a better site to occupy, not labor. If it pleases you, enjoy the following: The economists of all sorts say that landlord's charge rent for value they did not create. Most say it is unjust, but some begrudgingly ad
Post a Comment
Read more

Our Dancing Universe: the Word and the Circle of Light.

The Word lets light and begets all things. I have composed the following in awe of the beauty and balance of our cosmos. It is based off of concepts connected by three pieces of scientific literature. The summary of each is as follows: 1. "A unifying theory of dark energy and dark matter: Negative masses and matter creation within a modified ΛCDM framework" describes how the existence of a negative mass fluid would result in the orientation and behavior of the cosmos as we observe it, removing the need for the hypothetical notions of dark matter and dark energy to describe the shapes of galaxies and the observed expansion of space-time. 2. "Negative-Mass Hydrodynamics in a Spin-Orbit–Coupled Bose-Einstein Condensate" describes how when matter gets extremely cold, approximately absolute zero, atoms condense into a collective fluid that behaves as if it has negative mass. 3. "On the origin of gravity and the laws of Newton" describes how gravity itself i
Post a Comment
Read more

Free Land, or the ideal mean for a Location Value funded Citizen's Dividend

If we want to liberate ourselves from one another, we can buy into the idea that we can more effectively share this planet. We can do so for the purposes of maximizing human autonomy and the experience of equal liberty for every citizen of the Earth, through each of their local communities. We have the means today to voluntarily buy into a federation of neighborhood scale land trusts with a global reach. Existentially, our birthrights are the greatest lottery of all of history. We can make that a game with winning odds for everyone. The desire to be free, to choose to live how we each wish to live, is strongly felt within each of us. But those who experience it most, unfortunately, value it least. They become so accustomed to protecting or jealously expanding their own experience of it that they have created a system of enforcing their own privileges at the cost of others. I believe all people ought to choose whosoever's service they wish to enter, but I do not believe any of
Post a Comment
Read more