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Showing posts from 2024

Yay Anxiety!

I gave you more than you asked to receive. I misinterpreted you sharing as a desire to feel care through the expression of understanding and thought of you. The distance between us is too broad of an expanse for you to expend the energy to keep in touch.  I get it. I don't agree with it, but I accept it. I don't need to convince you otherwise. Knowing you this briefly has taught me what a longer connection never could. Vision taught me that a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts. It's a simple truth, but it resonates. I wish it wasn't over, but I also see that it is better for me in ways that it ended so quick. What do we owe one another? You told me it amounts to nothing. I think you're right, but I think you missed that a good relationship is never owed. We choose it. It's a verb we do because we want it. It's not about debts to be served, but service freely given. Or maybe you already know that and just don't want to give any more. Thank you for

Kindness is Free

Let go of your shame  And you'll be able to love In a way that has scared you Yet you've always wanted Don't fear your compassion Your care and kindness Scared of the scorn of those who won't  They're not stronger because they don't Just be, liberated Free yourself of your perception Don't always try to ease the anxiety Both of yourself and others Sit with it Walk with it Talk with it Accept it The greatest part of letting go Of the worry and indecision Is you never miss them Because they never change things anyway When you pause  Let yourself rest And when you can't That's okay too It's okay to feel It's okay to be too much It's okay to be exactly who You want to be You don't always have to share But it's okay to share too The ones who care for you Will want to see the real you Sharing isn't the same As sharing everything You can be understood Even when you say less But more is okay too Don't censor your heart Just becaus

that pulse in your chest

Do you feel it? Or do you run away from it? Why do you react to the awareness of your body as a sign that you need to escape to safety? What circumstances lead to that instead of the bliss of experience? In some ways, you've always run from what you've wanted. The fear of failing at it has gotten in your way. Now, when I say always, it's not like a 100% failure rate, it's more of a matter of never conquering that instinct. It has stuck with you and continued to sporadically hold you back. Stop running.  Face it. Grab it by the horns, and let the bull throw you wherever you land.  You'll be tougher for it, stronger for it, so satisfied by it.  You have been given a tremendous opportunity with this life you have built. Follow through. Just do what you feel, and feel what you do, but take your time. Be true to your decisions, and follow through at completing what you set out to create. Let it change as you create it. Just keep creating.  Just be you, be confidently you


What is the rush to respond serving? The anxious desire to immediately meet expectations needs to be measured against the desire to avoid saying too much. Wait. Then reply, after you have given your thoughts the chance to settle into what you want to say. It's okay to keep the quiet part quiet. Leave some of yourself to mystery. Let someone ask before sharing. You don't always need to offer it. Pause. Let yourself think.  The interlocutor is not owed a response on any timeline when the conversation is textual and asynchronous. You also don't have to say everything. You can reply in summary without addressing all of someone's points, and they will still feel understood.  Take a break.  You are anxious. It is your tendency, your comfort zone. That is okay. But it also doesn't have to define the way you communicate. Accept how your heart and mind race without letting your mouth or fingers run that race in the desperation to feel connected. You spent a lot of time with

effortless existence excels at execution

if you allow yourself to produce without judgment of the product the product forms without strain as the production itself releases it if you allow yourself to breathe without fighting for air the breath fills you without pain as the breath itself inspires you if you allow yourself to be without chasing after desires the desires arise organically as the desires will be if you allow yourself to think simply without overcomplicating matters the simplicity will navigate all complexities as the simplicity is the solution


What is it that I want? I think I know. Maybe it's just that simple, and that's what is so disappointing. It is what it is and, at least for now, it's out of reach. Coming to terms with that is all there is to do in the moment.  And the search for a substitute is just that. It's unfulfilling, not what I actually want, and also beyond my control. You can't make a fish bite. Perhaps if I wanted to try some different bait, but I really don't. The pond feels very empty, or more just like it's the wrong pond. I want to be able to sit with it - but it's so boring. I feel boring. In many ways, I am boring. Maybe what I'm struggling with is just sitting with me. Maybe sitting is just boring. Maybe I don't do enough that I actually find enriching. Maybe this job, the games I play, the things I read - maybe it's all just treading water and I'm not actually trying to get anywhere at all.  Do I need a destination? Can't the journey itself be enou

this moment

It's weird how life can strike you with the sudden sense of urgency when you realize you're going to miss an opportunity. I didn't really care about the eclipse. I was curious about it, it sounds neat, but I really don't know what I'm missing. What I missed before. But that's it. I don't want to miss it again if I don't have to. Who cares about a day of work or a day of preschool? Will I remember those days 20 years from now? I'm sure I won't. But I'm confident I'll remember it if I go. The next time one comes, 20 years from now, I'll be able to tell my kids about how I made the decision the night before, drove them for hours to watch something for 2 minutes, and the laughter and fun we had along the way.  We can make life an adventure, or we can just let the days blur into one another. We are given choices like this all the time. Sometimes the relaxation of the blur is nice. Other times, it's strikingly fear inducing that some ch

psalm of sorrow

As I walk through this valley Facing the shades of death It's not evil I fear But loss The rod of your discipline The staff of your direction Comfort me through struggle All of my days The forced march of time Quickens its pace My heart races At an end in sight But I don't know Where the path will lead How much it will wind Before that dreaded arrival I find myself in terror Yet awed with gratitude Accepting the intensity of pain Seized by saccharine sorrow I trust God has a plan But not that I will like it I have faith We will find His peace I pray you will find rest You have suffered Bearing it for your family Enduring for love But I will also help you Fight tooth and nail I will hold on As long as you wish it I have accepted my limitations Saving you is beyond me But you don't need salvation So we will share time There will never be enough In a twisted grace Cancer is giving us more Memories to cherish forever I tire of seeing so much silver Lining every disappointment B

On Intellectual Property

I do not see how you can effectively own information since it can be shared infinitely without taking the information away from the initial possessor. My understanding of property is that it requires the ability to control the manner in which some thing is manipulated or used. For example, I can own gold, because there is a finite mass/amount of it available. It is scarce. When something is scarce I can account some sort of value to it. I typically put value upon goods for the properties they possess, as a result tools hold value. Now, when some thing that I possess holds value to others, I can trade it for things they possess that I value. All value is subjective as it requires perspective, but common utility for common purposes of finite things can increase their value as the laws of supply and demand come in to play. This is why money is valuable, because there's a finite amount of it, allowing it to work as a unit of account of accepted value in exchange for another finite thin

wu wei

If you don't have to say it Don't It won't silence you If you don't need to do it Don't It won't paralyze you If you don't need to see it Don't It won't blind you If you don't need to solve it Don't It won't trouble you If you don't need to have it Don't It won't rob you If you don't need to believe it Don't It won't damn you Sometimes less is more But Less is still something

unknown unknowns

Waiting this way when you have no idea when anything is going to happen, the anxiety of it is just a permanent stitch in the side, a discomfort in the back of the mind, a fear kindled by every stray thought. It is only fitting that the feeling of topping the mountain has been so immediately followed with an indefinite trial of mental difficulty. Inevitable maybe. But it's out of your control. You can't change what is inducing it. You can only be disciplined about how you respond to all of it. You have the strength to put it away until there is something to address. You have the wherewithall to endure in doubt, to walk in the darkness. Even when it feels like the odds are against you, you can still hold on to faith that all things are possible. It's okay to let yourself be down when you're down. Rest when you need it, or you'll never recover. Don't disregard your esteem because you're not omnipotent. You've never had to be perfect, but it's okay to wa

thoughts in knots

The said cannot become unsaid. What good is worrying without further discussion? It is not a bad thing to share your heart. Would you really want something if that wasn't appreciated? As you like to say, Wayne Gretzky Michael Scott. Why are you acting like you missed after you scored? Don't let past disappointment discolor the present. Who are you really thinking about as you bend out of shape? Going somewhere new often results in taking a few wrong turns. Where did you learn the path must be perfect to get where you want? You have to relax if you ever want to give yourself a rest. How will you you find peace if you won't let your heart be still? The future is coming but you live in the present. When are you going to let yourself be?

the point of it

Precision and accuracy need each other in order to be useful. Emotion and thoughts need each other to find meaning. It's okay to want what you want and not to get it. The point is to at least try hard enough that it's possible. Desire is a complicated thing, and it can be a wonderful guide to what you need, but it's important to distinguish between the two. Be honest and follow your heart, and the universe will show you things even better than your wildest dreams. You know this from experience. You don't control the tides of the world, so don't try. Instead be like the water, go with the flow. In doing so you'll stay out of your own way, allowing the others who want to bump into you to get through to you. If you try to push through to them, you can make waves that just push them farther away. If you're never scared, you're not challenging yourself enough. If you never feel hurt, you aren't trying things to make you stronger. Those feelings teach you