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Showing posts from May, 2013

Trying to sleep.

My thoughts are racing, and suddenly they stop. There is no real rhyme to them, but I refuse to believe there's no reason. I'm struggling to find myself. More than anything, I want to be me. And I don't even know what that is. But I'm the one to define it. It's hard when our lives are perceived by others and that's how we will be remembered, but it's my actions that will define me. When I look back on my life some day I hope I will be remembered as a good man. I want people to look at my life and say, "you know, I didn't always agree with him, but damnit, he was good to me." I want to be the guy who encourages others to pursue their dreams. I'm torn these days because I feel stuck, but I feel like I've put that on myself in order to have a reason to be negative. I'm a damned lucky man, and I honestly believe I have made it as far as I have because I've endeavored to do what's right by other people. I hope those that I hurt w

Some kind of arrangement of words.

So uhm, hi, it's me. The guy who doesn't know what to say right now. I've been thinking a lot of thoughts that have been jumbled and mushed past each other so many times it feels like they've just liquified into an unproductive mush in my consciousness. Hardly a stream. More like an embarrassing puddle. It's terrible being cluttered. It infects your whole life. Here I am, staying up, writing out my thoughts because I don't have the discipline to organize my life. I want to run in the morning. I need to run. It isn't only great exercise, it helps me clear my head. I don't have to worry about anything, I can just let me thoughts flow. I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself with women. I feel like I'm too quick to love, too indiscriminate. I guess that can make somebody feel unimportant if you just treat everyone like they're special, but I think that's just a manifestation of insecurity. I want to be tender to that of course. I will answer anyth

Against jealousy.

I've been trying to figure out what purpose jealousy serves in our psyche. I think it's pointless, and come strictly from selfish desire. We have insecurities and when people do something that makes us feel insecure about ourselves, society tells us that we're allowed to be mad because, well something happened that made us feel bad. We shouldn't ignore this feeling, we should communicate to each other about it, but allowing ourselves to get angry and berate someone is rarely productive. I'm starting to believe that I should love every person as I wish to love them, in the best way that I know how, whatever that happens to be. I don't think it makes sense to draw lines in the sand beyond that. We try to label our relationships we have with others in order to attach value or significance to them, but that's merely a reflection of our own desire to be valued. We don't need binding agreements between one another to show each other love. What we need is hones