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Trying to sleep.

My thoughts are racing, and suddenly they stop. There is no real rhyme to them, but I refuse to believe there's no reason. I'm struggling to find myself. More than anything, I want to be me. And I don't even know what that is. But I'm the one to define it. It's hard when our lives are perceived by others and that's how we will be remembered, but it's my actions that will define me. When I look back on my life some day I hope I will be remembered as a good man. I want people to look at my life and say, "you know, I didn't always agree with him, but damnit, he was good to me." I want to be the guy who encourages others to pursue their dreams. I'm torn these days because I feel stuck, but I feel like I've put that on myself in order to have a reason to be negative. I'm a damned lucky man, and I honestly believe I have made it as far as I have because I've endeavored to do what's right by other people. I hope those that I hurt will forgive my lack of tact or wisdom. I'm trying to learn, I want to be a better man and know how to best love others. And honestly, I'm doing quite well. I am slow to judge and I accept that it is not my job to tell you how to live.

But I'm lonely. I miss having someone to talk to when I go to bed. I miss being with someone and being able to share anything with them. And I'm beginning to believe to I should love everyone as deeply as I loved my one and only. I don't know if I'll ever have a one and only again. But I will love more, and I will love deeper. And hopefully that love is recognized as love. I do not wish for anyone to be mine, but I will always try to be there when I'm needed and I hope to be there more often than not when I'm wanted. 

It's quite the realization to know you will always yearn for love. And I have no intention to ever stop loving anyone. Things may change, but my love will remain.


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What is it? You know. It holds you back, and it's okay that it is alluring. You need to do it sometimes to remember that you  don't want to do it. Accept it. Forgive it. Face it. Fix it. You don't have to be perfect.  But you can always try to learn to be more perfect. Your anxiety is telling you things. Important interpretations of your surroundings. Your choices are yours to make. And yours to live with so adapt accordingly. Be creative with your choices and you will benefit as you learn to do what is best.