Skip to main content

Step one: start writing.

Upon publishing this, I realized I need to be more open about how I feel with everyone in my life. I think I was realizing it while I wrote it, perhaps writing it is what made me come to realize it. But here it is. I hope I don't hurt anybody's feelings with this. These are just the thoughts of a boy with a broken heart.

What would I say to her if she would listen? I really do wonder. I would want her to see it. But only if she cared to. I would just want to be able to slip it in her back pocket. Maybe she'd stumble upon it someday. Maybe she'd read it, and she would understand me better. I wonder if it's because I don't completely understand her intentions. I don't know what she's looking for in the Virgin Islands, and I'm curious. I hope it's okay for me to be curious about her. I want her to be curious about me. That's the awful truth of it too. I care as much about her opinion as I do my own. More than anyone else in my life, more than my family, more than any of my friends, even the ones who would get upset if they knew that. I know I want to send this to her as I'm writing it, but I'm scared of how she'll react, but I never want to make an action out of fear. Maybe that's part of what scares me about her leaving. It's like she thinks I'm holding her back,  but I don't know what exactly it is I'm holding her back from. The scariest thought is how much of what I have I'd be willing to give her so that she could do this. I don't think she would be willing to give up as much of what she has for me, but perhaps I'm underestimating her. Maybe I just don't behave attractively anymore. Which sucks, because I can't say I was trying and she really deserves someone trying. Should I have asked her to try more? I really do wonder. Why would I write that in something to myself. Who thinks to himself, asking what it is that they wonder about? Am I wondering too hard? (See appendix A for more on that). God, I wonder if she thinks I'm too nerdy or worse, if she thinks I'm boring. I guess I couldn't blame her for that recently. I've been pretty boring. I've always wondered if she found smoking weed to be a turn off. She never directly told me but maybe she hinted at it. I guess that could make sense. It's weird that her opinion matters so much that I would contemplate quitting something I enjoy in order to be with her. I guess she never would have quit her job for me. Would she be offended to think I think I cared more for her than she did for me? It's weird to talk to yourself. At least it feels weird. Maybe I should try to understand why I'm curious more, but it feels so indulgent. I want to know how other people tick more. That's got to be why I have other people around me so much. Being alone can just be boring. I should learn to play the keyboard. Maybe Colby would be willing to help me. Maybe I just like to rely on other people. I really hope I'm not an emotion Tom Sawyer because I want to share my feelings with other people. I just want to be around people who aren't scared to tell me whatever they're thinking. I think embarrassment is useless. I need to be okay with being dumb about things. I don't have to figure everything out, but I don't want people to think I can't help them with a problem. Well I'll show you this one Maddo. If you think it's interesting, I hope you'll tell me. If you'd read about this it would be cool. Even if just occasionally. God I'm scared to make this public!? I want to but I really don't want people to think I'm obsessed with you. Oh, I'm scared of how into you I am when you're willing to just walk away, and I'm so scared of who knows it. But life isn't about acting in fear, and if I don't make this public, then I'll just be living a lie in a sense. I hope I keep writing. I hope you'll encourage me to. I promise not to pull an Evan and always talk about you if I do. It's just too damned depressing. I guess I really am realizing I just want you to care about me like other people don't. Maybe I just need to care about other people more. Every relationship is unique, but I've never wanted to understand someone as much as I want to understand you Maddo. Hell I can always delete this if I want to (right Google?).

Here's to life and living it to the fullest.


Appendix A
 I probably wondering too much about wondering, but I want to understand what knowledge is, so I hope not. It's fun how when you're thinking, you don't have to address yourself. I guess you don't have to address people in dialogue either. I hope I don't have to type one day. I guess that's just asking to be telekinetic, but we probably could essentially be one day. Oh the fun the Internet has in store for us.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The man who walks lightly

The man who walks lightly is the one living for Virtue.
He perceives the difficulty in his path, so he moves to his destination with ease.
He produces ten thousand things, but he owns very little.
He would rather yield a foot for what is right, than gain an inch by the wrong means.
He never takes offense, but defends swiftly and surely.
He requests his needs from others, served by many while commanding none.
He is seen as a leader, because others follow his example.

One with the One

I am.
May I mind the serenity of being.
Help me embrace the divinity of existence.
This thread of being weaves everything together with potential to create, change, and continue,
it's endless.I rejoice in awe.
May I more freely share it. 
Help me to remember that wonder is just a word.
There is nothing I can write to describe the feeling,
its experience is beyond language.I convict myself with awareness.
May I have the strength to toe the line.
Help me to be humble but resolute.
That joy felt in honoring others brings honor to myself,
it's all an honor to you.I dissolve in your presence.
May I find my truest form within you.
Help me to accept my fears and my desires.
The unknown holds the greatest treasures,
it's waiting to be found.I empty myself.
May I be further filled.
Help me to grow as I overflow.
Thy will is more than I will ever know,
it's what it will be.

Free Land, or the ideal mean for a Location Value funded Citizen's Dividend

If we want to liberate ourselves from one another, we can buy into the idea that we can more effectively share this planet. We can do so for the purposes of maximizing human autonomy and the experience of equal liberty for every citizen of the Earth, through each of their local communities. We have the means today to voluntarily buy into a federation of neighborhood scale land trusts with a global reach. Existentially, our birthrights are the greatest lottery of all of history. We can make that a game with winning odds for everyone.
The desire to be free, to choose to live how we each wish to live, is strongly felt within each of us. But those who experience it most, unfortunately, value it least. They become so accustomed to protecting or jealously expanding their own experience of it that they have created a system of enforcing their own privileges at the cost of others. I believe all people ought to choose whosoever's service they wish to enter, but I do not believe any of us …