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Step one: start writing.

Upon publishing this, I realized I need to be more open about how I feel with everyone in my life. I think I was realizing it while I wrote it, perhaps writing it is what made me come to realize it. But here it is. I hope I don't hurt anybody's feelings with this. These are just the thoughts of a boy with a broken heart.

What would I say to her if she would listen? I really do wonder. I would want her to see it. But only if she cared to. I would just want to be able to slip it in her back pocket. Maybe she'd stumble upon it someday. Maybe she'd read it, and she would understand me better. I wonder if it's because I don't completely understand her intentions. I don't know what she's looking for in the Virgin Islands, and I'm curious. I hope it's okay for me to be curious about her. I want her to be curious about me. That's the awful truth of it too. I care as much about her opinion as I do my own. More than anyone else in my life, more than my family, more than any of my friends, even the ones who would get upset if they knew that. I know I want to send this to her as I'm writing it, but I'm scared of how she'll react, but I never want to make an action out of fear. Maybe that's part of what scares me about her leaving. It's like she thinks I'm holding her back, but I don't know what exactly it is I'm holding her back from. The scariest thought is how much of what I have I'd be willing to give her so that she could do this. I don't think she would be willing to give up as much of what she has for me, but perhaps I'm underestimating her. Maybe I just don't behave attractively anymore. Which sucks, because I can't say I was trying and she really deserves someone trying. Should I have asked her to try more? I really do wonder. Why would I write that in something to myself. Who thinks to himself, asking what it is that they wonder about? Am I wondering too hard? (See appendix A for more on that). God, I wonder if she thinks I'm too nerdy or worse, if she thinks I'm boring. I guess I couldn't blame her for that recently. I've been pretty boring. I've always wondered if she found smoking weed to be a turn off. She never directly told me but maybe she hinted at it. I guess that could make sense. It's weird that her opinion matters so much that I would contemplate quitting something I enjoy in order to be with her. I guess she never would have quit her job for me. Would she be offended to think I think I cared more for her than she did for me? It's weird to talk to yourself. At least it feels weird. Maybe I should try to understand why I'm curious more, but it feels so indulgent. I want to know how other people tick more. That's got to be why I have other people around me so much. Being alone can just be boring. I should learn to play the keyboard. Maybe Colby would be willing to help me. Maybe I just like to rely on other people. I really hope I'm not an emotional Tom Sawyer because I want to share my feelings with other people. I just want to be around people who aren't scared to tell me whatever they're thinking. I think embarrassment is useless. I need to be okay with being dumb about things. I don't have to figure everything out, but I don't want people to think I can't help them with a problem. Well I'll show you this one Maddo. If you think it's interesting, I hope you'll tell me. If you'd read about this it would be cool. Even if just occasionally. God I'm scared to make this public!? I want to but I really don't want people to think I'm obsessed with you. Oh, I'm scared of how into you I am when you're willing to just walk away, and I'm so scared of who knows it. But life isn't about acting in fear, and if I don't make this public, then I'll just be living a lie in a sense. I hope I keep writing. I hope you'll encourage me to. I promise not to pull an Evan and always talk about you if I do. It's just too damned depressing. I guess I really am realizing I just want you to care about me like other people don't. Maybe I just need to care about other people more. Every relationship is unique, but I've never wanted to understand someone as much as I want to understand you Maddo. Hell I can always delete this if I want to (right Google?).

Here's to life and living it to the fullest.

Appendix A
I'm probably wondering too much about wondering, but I want to understand what knowledge is, so I hope not. It's fun how when you're thinking, you don't have to address yourself. I guess you don't have to address people in dialogue either. I hope I don't have to type one day. I guess that's just asking to be telekinetic, but we probably could essentially be one day. Oh the fun the Internet has in store for us.


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