infinite individuality

I think I might be killing myself a little bit. Only in the sense that my body may expire faster living like I am. I'm glad I'm exercising again. It feels really good to be tired. I need more friends that share my weekends. Though, I must say, my friends are kind of awesome. It's good to know when people get you. Sometimes it's fun when they don't though. Just gotta keep it spicy I guess, just embrace that weird. I want a keyboard. I just want to play around with it. I just am really bad at actually doing things. I keep holding myself back from things. I need to have more confidence. I need to embrace not being sure what to do and going anyway. I really want to seize the whole self starter thing. I'll get there. I mean I'm wild and I'm young, I just need to remember to never lose my dinosaur. Seriously. I don't want to. JT is good at just switching his songs up. I need sleep so bad. Maybe I'm just real tired. Maybe that's why it feels like ...

When is civilization finally going to grow up and realize that the solutions to all of our problems start at the exact same level as the problems themselves: at the individual. When a wrong deed is done, there is an individual who does it, it's not "a system". That individual has a choice, and unfortunately, individuals like to convince themselves that they don't. When as individuals will we stop choosing to support actions that promise us comfort and security at the cost of true justice. When will we be brave enough to accept responsibility for ourselves and for all of the injustices our actions bring upon the world. We need to realize that if any improvement is going to happen in this world, it's going to start within each and every one of us, with each and every one of our actions every single day. Stop pretending that this whole morality thing is so complicated. The rule is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and not "as they ...

Discontent is a very interesting feeling. I think we try so hard to get more of what we want that we lose sight of what's best for us and what will make us happiest in the long run. My current struggle is with work. I have a great job, I am blessed really, but the stuff I am working on these days is entirely uninteresting to me. I see no improvement that I'm actually providing to the world. I don't see how we're going to keep paying for pharmaceutical "improvements" when the majority of the people on the planet can't afford it. It seems as if the health care industry is upside down as the rich take from the sick and their families. I want to do something that's going to help the majority of people. I want to love comfortably, but more than that I want to live freely, and live to help the world. I don't want to leave a legacy of self interest or self importance. For all I'm concerned, my "self", as I know it, is simply the physical...

I feel lost and oddly numb tonight. I don't really know what is happening to me emotionally. I think there is still a very big hole in my life, and it's all because Maddo is gone. I try to act as if I'm moving on, but I know I don't want to be alone. I've dealt with losing the best friendship I've ever had for the past 40 some days. And it hasn't really gotten much better. I feel an ocean of different emotions, from anger, to regret, to disappointment and rejection. But I've never stopped loving her. I don't think I will stop for quite some time, which is probably why I shouldn't date for a good long while. It would be entirely unfair to the other person. I just need to be able to be open about the past. I'm sure I'll find the right girl for me eventually (and probably spend some fun times with others along the way), but I need to focus on reality. What should I be doing with my life to be happy? I need a different role at work. Spray dry...

I really wouldn't trade anything for our time together. It's weird to think I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't fallen in love with you. But I don't want to be anybody else. And I can't thank you enough for that. I love you.

I had lunch with Maddo today, which was a weird thing to do after crying myself to sleep, but when I saw her, I realized I didn't want to be with her. I didn't want what we had. What I still want is what I thought I had. But what I thought I had isn't what I lost. What I lost was a flawed relationship, full of the problems I never knew how to deal with, many of which I wasn't willing to admit at the time. But where I'm trying to go with this is everything I went through with her was absolutely worth it, because I was happy. I still can't really grasp yet how much it's taught me, and how much I'm still learning in reflection. And the peace I feel when I think about it like that is undeniable, and gives me a lot of hope for the next relationship I have. Because I'm flawed, and she will be too, but I look forward to my love for her being strengthened by those flaws. But that's only going to happen if she's willing to reflect like I am, if ...

It shouldn't be hard to be alone. It is for me though. I don't know what to do and I get restless. I probably should relax more, soak it in. I like to work out alone. Be on my own schedule and all. I think I feed on conversation. Like it powers me like a fuel. My mind feels alive when someone is talking to me, debating with me, thinking with me. I want to be with someone who enjoys exploring their own thoughts. I think I would love to do it with them. Why do people try to change each other? I want to change me first, get better, adapt, thrive, exist. I want to celebrate my life, and I want to have people around who want to do the same thing. Life is a gift, sometimes it's hard, but we're still here, and things can always get better. They really can. People probably should be more optimistic. It just makes life better to live with hope than dreading it in despair. Being sad is a funny thing. Because we couldn't really understand be happy if we didn't deal wit...