We are victims of ourselves more than anyone else. Acceptance of that truism is the first step to personal responsibility. When we act on this truth, we are able to be that only Jesus that some will ever see, because we always have the choice to act in love. Sometimes that love is tough. Sometimes it means letting go of your own desires for the sake of those you love. It doesn't mean they aren't there, but you choose not to act upon them. And when you do that, it's fascinating how it seems to bring those desires back to you.
I hope it continues to work as such. Because there are plenty whom I miss. But I have to be brave. I have to move on, I have to see the beauty in the new as well as the old. But this is part of losing oneself. It means reaching out. It means playing with others. It means having the self-honesty to be myself.
I know there's a whole wonderful world outside, waiting for me, full of loving, wonderful people. I just have to engage it.
It's easier to feel pitifully alone though. It certainly hurts more, but it feels safer. I don't really know genuinely loneliness anymore though. Only very temporary, but repeating bouts of it. I think I still haven't quite accepted how much I enjoy my personal time, particularly to think and write. Or perhaps subconsciously I've felt guilty for choosing it, like some how I'm letting, well, I'm not sure who else down. It's actually a very fascinating prospect, the guilt that comes from the selfishness of isolation.
How many monks dedicated themselves to God who were actually just dedicating themselves to themselves? Going full hermit seems somewhat selfish to me, but I shouldn't rightfully know why. You can love reactively, and passively, you mustn't always be the actor. I've heard I'm a bad actor, but only the Great Mandingo, Lewmanchu, knows what that means. But Jesus went out and was. And so just should I be.
I am a Christian because I believe it is right to live for Love, but most others would more likely call me a heretic for the extent which I believe we should.
I think Love is a vector, it has a direction that each lover imparts onto it with force, and I think that's the way it can make the world go round. When the self is lost, the greater good becomes clearer because you learn to see how to find those who are either pushing our pulling you in whatever direction. And you get to choose where you want to align yourself so that your love is most pleasantly accepted and reciprocated.
I think I am in a position where I have to push myself into others fields if I want to find them, I know I have isolated myself. Only I will change that.
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