Is there anywhere that I can take my mind that isn't going to feel like a pit of potential pain? Why is it that I'm constantly searching for what is wrong with me? Is that what I'm doing by writing this paragraph? I think so.
But it feels worth the inquiry. I'm struggling not to get lost in my fear. Why let the fear win? Is there really something to be afraid of here that isn't worth taking the chance?
Rejection is a framing. A missed chance is a framing. There are so many alternative ways to look at a happenstance, objectivity, especially in relationships, is almost a fantasy.
And sometimes that's all we get, to almost experience our fantasies. To almost enjoy what we're after. As such, I feel I am almost wanted. But perhaps that's exactly where I want to be.
I want to be desired, to be seen, to be understood. I want to be wanted. But being on the edge of it, for it to be a choice, not a need - that's the space I want to create. I don't want a sure thing. I want spontaneity. I want adventure. I want to be liberated from expectations.
Why not? Let's give it a go. That's where I want to be met. I don't need more than that. The offer is open for you to opt in and enjoy the ride. I have always found being invited so appealing. Perhaps this is why.
I want to be available without pursuing. Beckoned when desired, let's not make plans, the moment is enough. Let's just be, together or apart, touching or not. If we go this route, we can stay out of our own way.
It sounds fun, right? To not know what is going to happen next, to just roll with the punches and see where they land us. I have security. I have safety. I have love. That's not what I'm looking for from this, and so I will embrace the title of your almost wanted: the one who is close, but not quite the one. I have my one, I don't need to be another one.
Perhaps we will only ever approach a limit, which is fitting as there is an asymptote for our trajectory. We aren't going up the escalator, so let's play on the floor with what's available to us. There's so much room down here for activities, if we only have the imagination to try.
So here I am, I'm ready, I'm willing, I'm waiting. Let's not make a chase of anything. I'm ready to heel. I'm too well behaved to beg. Just give me your command, and I will do as you wish.