Is there anywhere that I can take my mind that isn't going to feel like a pit of potential pain? Why is it that I'm constantly searching for what is wrong with me? Is that what I'm doing by writing this paragraph? I think so. But it feels worth the inquiry. I'm struggling not to get lost in my fear. Why let the fear win? Is there really something to be afraid of here that isn't worth taking the chance? Rejection is a framing. A missed chance is a framing. There are so many alternative ways to look at a happenstance, objectivity, especially in relationships, is almost a fantasy. And sometimes that's all we get, to almost experience our fantasies. To almost enjoy what we're after. As such, I feel I am almost wanted. But perhaps that's exactly where I want to be. I want to be desired, to be seen, to be understood. I want to be wanted. But being on the edge of it, for it to be a choice, not a need - that's the space I want to create. I don't want a ...
This is my diary. I'm hoping it will help me live in a liberated way where I have nothing to hide. In some entries there are a lot of thoughts without much structure and in others it strongly constrains their construction. Regardless of form, composing my thoughts allows me to discover myself. If you're reading this, you'll know much about me that I may never know how to tell you, so if any of the thoughts and feelings here awaken a discovery of your own, I hope you'll share it with me.