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Showing posts from October, 2013

A letter to you.

To whom it may concern,I have to admit I'm behaving desperately. I'm acting like a fool in certain parts of my life. I recognize that I'm actually messing things up by not acting in a manner that is best for the rest of my life. I'm writing this to define the sort of consistency I'm striving for in my life. Perhaps I'm just looking for a form of it that you don't share. I'm looking to you for something you can't feel right feeling. Please let me know if you perceive me doing so. It's unfair to me to be disappointed when you haven't yet told me what it is you want anyway. Don't get me wrong, I likely will manage to always enjoy your company quite a bit. I've really never not enjoyed time with you when I've just treated you the way I want to. I realize that for the health of our friendship, I can't ask you for anything that you don't know that you want. I'm beginning to realize that sharing parts of my life can awaken i…

Flawed

I can't escape the feeling that somehow, I'm just going to manage to fuck up anything that I truly care about. It feels awful. I feel so flawed, to the very core of my being. It feels as if I'm unable to think beyond myself and it makes me doubt my ability to properly empathize with others. Am I really so blinded by my own desires that I can't stop and consider those of others? I know I'm dependent on others in order to feel fulfilled. I don't live in a vacuum, and I don't want to even try to live that way. I'm so scared that my flaws will make me unsuitable for the things I want most. It's terrifying.

I don't want to just see what I want. I don't feel like there really is any difference between myself and other people; I'm a social being and my well being is directly dependent on the well being of those around me. But I feel blinded by my desire. I want to be able to enjoy the delights of the company of those around me, and I don't …

My Torch to Hold

While I stand with this fire in my hands,
You're laying with someone else,
And while I cope with the sting of my envy,

It burns.

I cannot quit this endeavor,
You've told me it's time for these flames to go out,
But this is my torch to hold,

It burns.

You're supposed to lose sensation when scalded,
And this blaze has struck me unlike any other,
But I haven't ceased to feel,

It burns.

The heat is there as my constant reminder,
Engulfing my mind and spirit,
Sustained by every beat of my heart,

It burns.

We lit this flame together,
We couldn't have known it would be so intense,
And although you've asked me to hide its glow.

It burns.

I'm not going to run away,
I'm strong enough to be still,
The combustion illuminates my soul,

It burns.

The pain radiates into my every fiber,
I'm assaulted by the torrent of my emotions,
But they can't extinguish this light.

It burns.

The fueling passion continues to flow,
And I will not flee from the inferno,
B…

Disagreement

This feels stupid. I know it's unfair. I know I was doomed from the beginning, but I'm still angry. I think that's what this feeling is, but I'm not sure. I've never been comfortable with anger. I've never felt much of it, but in this case I'm wanting to explore it. I just don't get this situation and it's remarkably frustrating. I realize that I'm judging. I know it's not my place, but I can't help it right now, and as selfish as it may be, I don't feel like stopping myself. The violence of this sea has wrecked me. I'm in disarray. I realize I will never do what I've done again. I can't. Failure before I begin is too unbearable. It was a beautiful burst of joy, shining, perhaps brighter than any other moments in my life. But alas, my waxen wings were doomed by design. I do see the logic behind what's happened, I'm not stupid. It just feels so terribly impractical. And perhaps that's love. Perhaps that's w…