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Showing posts from January, 2013

Do better.

When is civilization finally going to grow up and realize that the solutions to all of our problems start at the exact same level as the problems themselves: at the individual. When a wrong deed is done, there is an individual who does it, it's not "a system". That individual has a choice, and unfortunately, individuals like to convince themselves that they don't.

When as individuals will we stop choosing to support actions that promise us comfort and security at the cost of true justice. When will we be brave enough to accept responsibility for ourselves and for all of the injustices our actions bring upon the world. We need to realize that if any improvement is going to happen in this world, it's going to start within each and every one of us, with each and every one of our actions every single day. Stop pretending that this whole morality thing is so complicated. The rule is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and not "as they do…

I want to lose myself.

Discontent is a very interesting feeling. I think we try so hard to get more of what we want that we lose sight of what's best for us and what will make us happiest in the long run.

My current struggle is with work. I have a great job, I am blessed really, but the stuff I am working on these days is entirely uninteresting to me. I see no improvement that I'm actually providing to the world. I don't see how we're going to keep paying for pharmaceutical "improvements" when the majority of the people on the planet can't afford it. It seems as if the health care industry is upside down as the rich take from the sick and their families.

I want to do something that's going to help the majority of people. I want to love comfortably, but more than that I want to live freely, and live to help the world. I don't want to leave a legacy of self interest or self importance. For all I'm concerned, my "self", as I know it, is simply the physical …

Lost and numb

I feel lost and oddly numb tonight. I don't really know what is happening to me emotionally. I think there is still a very big hole in my life, and it's all because Maddo is gone. I try to act as if I'm moving on, but I know I don't want to be alone. I've dealt with losing the best friendship I've ever had for the past 40 some days. And it hasn't really gotten much better. I feel an ocean of different emotions, from anger, to regret, to disappointment and rejection. But I've never stopped loving her. I don't think I will stop for quite some time, which is probably why I shouldn't date for a good long while. It would be entirely unfair to the other person. I just need to be able to be open about the past. I'm sure I'll find the right girl for me eventually (and probably spend some fun times with others along the way), but I need to focus on reality. What should I be doing with my life to be happy? I need a different role at work. Spray dr…

Perspective

I really wouldn't trade anything for our time together. It's weird to think I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't fallen in love with you. But I don't want to be anybody else. And I can't thank you enough for that.

I love you.

Hope

I had lunch with Maddo today, which was a weird thing to do after crying myself to sleep, but when I saw her, I realized I didn't want to be with her. I didn't want what we had. What I still want is what I thought I had. But what I thought I had isn't what I lost.

What I lost was a flawed relationship, full of the problems I never knew how to deal with, many of which I wasn't willing to admit at the time.

But where I'm trying to go with this is everything I went through with her was absolutely worth it, because I was happy. I still can't really grasp yet how much it's taught me, and how much I'm still learning in reflection. And the peace I feel when I think about it like that is undeniable, and gives me a lot of hope for the next relationship I have.

Because I'm flawed, and she will be too, but I look forward to my love for her being strengthened by those flaws. But that's only going to happen if she's willing to reflect like I am, if sh…

Interaction issues

It shouldn't be hard to be alone. It is for me though. I don't know what to do and I get restless. I probably should relax more, soak it in. I like to work out alone. Be on my own schedule and all.

I think I feed on conversation. Like it powers me like a fuel. My mind feels alive when someone is talking to me, debating with me, thinking with me. I want to be with someone who enjoys exploring their own thoughts. I think I would love to do it with them.

Why do people try to change each other? I want to change me first, get better, adapt, thrive, exist. I want to celebrate my life, and I want to have people around who want to do the same thing. Life is a gift, sometimes it's hard, but we're still here, and things can always get better. They really can. People probably should be more optimistic. It just makes life better to live with hope than dreading it in despair. Being sad is a funny thing. Because we couldn't really understand be happy if we didn't deal with …

More wandering thoughts

I never want to "fit" into somebody's plan for life. I don't want to have a plan, that's probably why. I wish that it were easier to understand other people's desires, but maybe I'm trying to hard there. Half the time, they're probably not even sure why they're doing what they're doing. I found myself in a bar last night just because I really had nothing better to do, or so I thought. There's got to be better things to do than going to a bar on a Wednesday night.

Maybe I should join a book club or something like that. I want to sit around and discuss things more than I get to. Nobody seems to want to talk about what they're going through in their lives. I guess I don't really know how to go about starting good conversation. I think I need to work on the way I come across to people. I have my principles, and I've thought about how they apply to my life quite a bit, but perhaps I come across as set in my ways, when there are few t…

I guess you could call it a pep talk.

It's hard to realize when you don't actually understand the world. It's so easy to have it all figured out when you're on top of it, and everyone in your life loves you. But change, as it is the nature of the world, happens to everything. Not everything is perfect, and not everybody will be willing to make something you value better. It doesn't mean they're doing something wrong when they're really not hurting you, at least not intentionally, and especially when you go into the agreement knowing it's not just a possibility, but a likelihood that you will get hurt if you commit to much. But I guess that's why we play the game. Because you only score when you play, but you can't always win. At least we can try to play in the next game. Maybe I wasn't really going in enough. Maybe I've been too content to sit on the sidelines of my own life. What if I could have made plays? I'm sure I've missed some of them, a lot of them, but that…

A disjointed rambling session.

I feel remarkably content today. Just a calm that I can't really describe. This feeling is how I understand the idea of "peace beyond understanding" because there's really no cause for it. I have so much that I could choose to worry about, but to do so would be so pointless. 

I really want to purchase a firearm because I feel like it stakes a claim in my right to defend myself. Liberty requires us to live in a way that we can take care of ourselves, and part of taking care of yourself is self-defense.
I went to the coast yesterday. Jumped in the ocean and fought off hypothermia. It's amazing how doing something unwise can make you feel so alive. Ran out of gas on the pass too. Pretty good stuff. Colby came with me. That Colby's a good guy. Very good at going through with impulsive decisions. I think I need to be more impulsive. I think it's really easy to overthink every little thing you do. Especially if you worry about money all the time. I need more ad…

From emotions to volunteerism.

It's amazing how much of a roller-coaster my emotions are these days. I feel like I can go from the bottom of the ocean to the top of the world at the drop of a hat. I think I have trouble gripping with certainty. When the one thing you're certain about changes, it's pretty unnerving. But, I'm not the first person to be broken up with, and I certainly don't want to wallow in my pain. I wonder what I could do for other people.

Maybe I should start volunteering somewhere. I like to teach people how to do things. Maybe I could help teach kids math. I bet there's a lot of kids who could use the help. I should look into it. I'm not ready for a huge commitment, but I could start with something like once a month. I should look for learning centers that need volunteers. I'm sure they always need volunteers.
I wonder what else I could volunteer for. I'd like to do something to promote the idea of liberty. Everybody wants liberty for themselves, but I think s…

Am I depressed?

Is this what depression feels like? I think I might need some sort of therapy. But I don't really want to pay for it. I'm just so low and want somebody to care about me. I miss her so much. I wish I would've realized just how low I was. I was so uninterested in my life and that's no fun to live with. I don't know what I want to do. I want to wait for her. 

It's probably not healthy though. I'm not ready to move on yet. I guess it's almost been a month now since my reality change. I've been running away from it. I don't know how to face it though. I don't want to be without her. The problem with heartbreak is there just so much pain and all you can do is try to accept it. I feel like I never got a warning. And that's probably because I didn't. The way she broke the news to me felt so selfish. "I'm leaving, I don't want you to come. Sorry." How did I mean so little to you? I think I just can't comprehend why you&#…

Step three: let it flow.

I wonder how much different my thoughts are from those around me. Do we all ponder the same general questions? Of is the human experience so unique that we will always struggle to relate with one another. I guess relating would still be difficult if we are thinking about the same stuff or not. Do we really value empathy as a society? And if we do, how much thought do we give toward it at an individual level? Do people even want to make thinking about how other people feel a priority? I sure hope so. If not, I don't see how we will ever make progress as a species. 

Perhaps we just don't have the technology to communicate our thoughts with each other effectively. But that can't be it, we've been able to write letters to each other for centuries and have been able to communicate electronically for decades. 
People must really just not care enough about each other to stay in touch. But that makes sense in a way. People change, priorities change, and so the people we stay c…

Step two: keep writing.

It's funny how thoughts can just disappear. They aren't tangible in any sense, though I guess they must have some effect on your brain. I wonder if choosing to think about things causes your brain to physically change. It's got to, I've heard memories are essentially rewritten every time you try to recall them. Perhaps that's how we get out of touch with one another. We start to revise history about our lives events into stories that we like to remember. Without sharing those stories with each other, we probably start to remember things differently. It's hard not to think about getting "dumped". The term dumped is funny, it's like you're trash. I guess breaking up is a gentler term. I wish I knew how to get people to communicate with me like I'm willing to with them. It's hard, because I don't want to demand it, I just want them to want to. I think people are too uncomfortable with being uncomfortable. Comfort zones seem dangerous …

Step one: start writing.

Upon publishing this, I realized I need to be more open about how I feel with everyone in my life. I think I was realizing it while I wrote it, perhaps writing it is what made me come to realize it. But here it is. I hope I don't hurt anybody's feelings with this. These are just the thoughts of a boy with a broken heart.

What would I say to her if she would listen? I really do wonder. I would want her to see it. But only if she cared to. I would just want to be able to slip it in her back pocket. Maybe she'd stumble upon it someday. Maybe she'd read it, and she would understand me better. I wonder if it's because I don't completely understand her intentions. I don't know what she's looking for in the Virgin Islands, and I'm curious. I hope it's okay for me to be curious about her. I want her to be curious about me. That's the awful truth of it too. I care as much about her opinion as I do my own. More than anyone else in my life, more than my…

Seek Morality

Morality may be relative by some definitions, but no attempt to convince me that wrong is right will convince me that doing evil is Good. The faculties for Goodness are the same for evil - knowledge and action. It is when we rationalize evil behavior with "good intentions" that we weaken our sense of what is Good.
Given the choice between right and wrong, it is easy to do right when you are treated rightly. This knowledge bears a duty. Doing Good requires taking responsibility for your actions and having a strong enough faith in others and the power of the Golden Rule.
I think an Objective Morality stems from the Golden Rule, but I haven't a clue how to prove it. It just seems so obvious that is Good to do something for (or to) someone else that you would want someone else to do in return - and a moral man perceives no difference in the joy and suffering for all involved. Do not aggress against others because they possess wealth and do disregard others when they find thems…