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A letter to you.

To whom it may concern,I have to admit I'm behaving desperately. I'm acting like a fool in certain parts of my life. I recognize that I'm actually messing things up by not acting in a manner that is best for the rest of my life. I'm writing this to define the sort of consistency I'm striving for in my life. Perhaps I'm just looking for a form of it that you don't share. I'm looking to you for something you can't feel right feeling. Please let me know if you perceive me doing so. It's unfair to me to be disappointed when you haven't yet told me what it is you want anyway. Don't get me wrong, I likely will manage to always enjoy your company quite a bit. I've really never not enjoyed time with you when I've just treated you the way I want to. I realize that for the health of our friendship, I can't ask you for anything that you don't know that you want. I'm beginning to realize that sharing parts of my life can awaken i…

Flawed

I can't escape the feeling that somehow, I'm just going to manage to fuck up anything that I truly care about. It feels awful. I feel so flawed, to the very core of my being. It feels as if I'm unable to think beyond myself and it makes me doubt my ability to properly empathize with others. Am I really so blinded by my own desires that I can't stop and consider those of others? I know I'm dependent on others in order to feel fulfilled. I don't live in a vacuum, and I don't want to even try to live that way. I'm so scared that my flaws will make me unsuitable for the things I want most. It's terrifying.

I don't want to just see what I want. I don't feel like there really is any difference between myself and other people; I'm a social being and my well being is directly dependent on the well being of those around me. But I feel blinded by my desire. I want to be able to enjoy the delights of the company of those around me, and I don't …

My Torch to Hold

While I stand with this fire in my hands,
You're laying with someone else,
And while I cope with the sting of my envy,

It burns.

I cannot quit this endeavor,
You've told me it's time for these flames to go out,
But this is my torch to hold,

It burns.

You're supposed to lose sensation when scalded,
And this blaze has struck me unlike any other,
But I haven't ceased to feel,

It burns.

The heat is there as my constant reminder,
Engulfing my mind and spirit,
Sustained by every beat of my heart,

It burns.

We lit this flame together,
We couldn't have known it would be so intense,
And although you've asked me to hide its glow.

It burns.

I'm not going to run away,
I'm strong enough to be still,
The combustion illuminates my soul,

It burns.

The pain radiates into my every fiber,
I'm assaulted by the torrent of my emotions,
But they can't extinguish this light.

It burns.

The fueling passion continues to flow,
And I will not flee from the inferno,
B…

Disagreement

This feels stupid. I know it's unfair. I know I was doomed from the beginning, but I'm still angry. I think that's what this feeling is, but I'm not sure. I've never been comfortable with anger. I've never felt much of it, but in this case I'm wanting to explore it. I just don't get this situation and it's remarkably frustrating. I realize that I'm judging. I know it's not my place, but I can't help it right now, and as selfish as it may be, I don't feel like stopping myself. The violence of this sea has wrecked me. I'm in disarray. I realize I will never do what I've done again. I can't. Failure before I begin is too unbearable. It was a beautiful burst of joy, shining, perhaps brighter than any other moments in my life. But alas, my waxen wings were doomed by design. I do see the logic behind what's happened, I'm not stupid. It just feels so terribly impractical. And perhaps that's love. Perhaps that's w…

Night Two.

My mind is racing. I don't know what to do. I'm again in this state.

Alone.

It's not what I want. No, if I could have my way, I would not be here. I know exactly where I would go if I could.

And that's the funny thing about what I'm feeling. I know what I want. Just a chance. To see what this is. I want to feel what I'm feeling. I've never found so much joy in my fear. I've never smiled with these tears in my eyes.

I've never held a gaze so long, just to stay in the moment.

I've been searching for myself for a long time now. I think I've found him. At least as much of him as there is to be found for now. I know I'm capable. I care for others and it's returned. I love who I am. Getting to know myself has been wonderful.

I'm sure I'll change. Everything changes, but I hope to improve myself. Desperately. I can be better. I can be stronger. I can be more kind. All I have to do is try. I really do think it's that simple.

But …

Duty

Considering the state of affairs with the surveillance state and the infringements on the freedoms of ourselves and our fellow human beings all over the world, perhaps it is our responsibility to wage a war in the name of our freedoms, upon the powers that would infringe upon them.
When we think about the people that we love, we must consider how we would want the rest of the world to treat them. We would not want them to be belligerent to them. We would not want them to force them to fit in. We would want them to respect their privacy.
Why then, do we allow organizations to exist that encroach upon them?
Think about the oppressed people around the world. Think about the oppressive governments they are forced to live under. Think about the people who cannot legally express themselves as they are, who cannot legally say, "It is not for you to judge this part of my life, I can tell you that I am doing nothing wrong to you, and you cannot argue with it. You cannot tell me it is wrong f…

Icarus

It must have been worth it.
The fall.
To feel free. To fly. To achieve the impossible.

He ignored the warnings.
As did I.
But the impact will be worth the journey.

When I look into your eyes, I know hubris.
I feel awe.
The beauty of those suns, the heat they pour into my soul, is irresistible.

To hold you close, to make you smile.
It's ecstasy.
The gods themselves must look upon our embrace with envy.

The descent is horrifying.
I'm scared.
And the sea below looks anything but inviting.

But I am prepared.
I'm ready.
I have felt the wind across my cheeks, and your warmth on my face.

Nothing will change what we shared.
It's real.
This transient flight is worth all the hurt gravity has prepared for me.

So as these last feathers melt away,
I smile.
Ready to crash into the waves of agony for daring to soar with you.

Desire

Where does the will come from? Can you really tell me you believe it is "simply a response of stimuli." At what point does one admit that consciousness is real. That perception and awareness are what frame everything we "know", and any memories we have are unique. We share a world with one another that we will never see in the same manner, and yet we work together. When something good is possible, why deny its application? Why, when a person's will seems to be the greatest reflection of who he or she is, do we try to question it's primacy and equality? Why must one man dictate to others things of which he has no experience of applying? You cannot understand a woman or man with numbers. Economics has shown the will to be too unpredictable to model, but what they are unwilling to admit, is some things are impossible to quantify. Actions may correlate with them, but immeasurables are what make us human. So let's embrace our individuality, let's encoura…

A journey through my thoughts.

Let me paint a fun picture for you. There's this thing humans do called trade. We have found in greater and greater numbers throughout our history that we are capable of far greater things when we are able to divide our labor and work together, simply providing for the want/needs of the people we knew and cared about in return of having our wants/needs provided. It was mutual, and our labor became worth what we were able to provide. This is why tribes of human beings became the most efficient creatures at dominating regions for themselves. Sometimes throughout our history, groups of people have conspired together to rob, larger, productive groups of people. Sometimes this money was taken as a form of "protection" by a gang promising not to hurt you as long as you funded them. Sometimes that gang had better weapons than you and forced you to consent to pay what you "owed" them for the protection they provided you.

This scheme is called a racket. It protects you …

Considering our current social contract

Nothing I have ever read has more succinctly and appropriately interpreted the problems with our government than "No Treason" by Lysander Spooner. The three essays you'll find following this link (http://lysanderspooner.org/node/44) were written immediately following the civil war. In the past 140 years, we have only proceeded farther into the despotism fed to us as the supposed fairest form of government, democracy. Unfortunately, pure democracy treats the the will of the majority as right rather than what is reasonable, moral, and just.
When I look back at the history of these United States, I see the Civil War as the action by which the federal government transitioned from one whose authority came from the consent of the governed to one fueled and sustained by imperialistic ambition. I say this from the perspective of the States themselves, the vast majority of Americans, women and slaves for example, had always been governed without their consent.
As citizens, we have …

Trials

It's making me stronger. And I'm thankful for everything we've shared and I will be thankful for whatever the future holds. I always want to know you well. I always want to be your good friend. I'm still struggling with the change, I think that's obvious. But I promise I'm trying to embrace it. I feel a little more angry than I'm used to and I feel like I'm directing it at myself.  And it's probably not healthy.  I just need to remember to talk myself through it.  But I need someone to talk to me too.  I don't want to be strong enough to be alone. I want to be strong enough to be with you. I want to be able to be the one that you come to with  your joys  and fears and mistakes  and jokes  and hate  and worries.  I want you to live with me.  You don't always have to be here. Just talk to me. Tell me what you think. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. I know I can't do it alone. But with you, maybe I can. I want to be near.  Or far. As long as it's …

Trying to sleep.

My thoughts are racing, and suddenly they stop. There is no real rhyme to them, but I refuse to believe there's no reason. I'm struggling to find myself. More than anything, I want to be me. And I don't even know what that is. But I'm the one to define it. It's hard when our lives are perceived by others and that's how we will be remembered, but it's my actions that will define me. When I look back on my life some day I hope I will be remembered as a good man. I want people to look at my life and say, "you know, I didn't always agree with him, but damnit, he was good to me." I want to be the guy who encourages others to pursue their dreams. I'm torn these days because I feel stuck, but I feel like I've put that on myself in order to have a reason to be negative. I'm a damned lucky man, and I honestly believe I have made it as far as I have because I've endeavored to do what's right by other people. I hope those that I hurt …

Some kind of arrangement of words.

So uhm, hi, it's me. The guy who doesn't know what to say right now. I've been thinking a lot of thoughts that have been jumbled and mushed past each other so many times it feels like they've just liquified into an unproductive mush in my consciousness. Hardly a stream. More like an embarrassing puddle. It's terrible being cluttered. It infects your whole life. Here I am, staying up, writing out my thoughts because I don't have the discipline to organize my life. I want to run in the morning. I need to run. It isn't only great exercise, it helps me clear my head. I don't have to worry about anything, I can just let me thoughts flow. I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself with women. I feel like I'm too quick to love, too indiscriminate. I guess that can make somebody feel unimportant if you just treat everyone like they're special, but I think that's just a manifestation of insecurity. I want to be tender to that of course. I will answer anyt…

Against jealousy.

I've been trying to figure out what purpose jealousy serves in our psyche. I think it's pointless, and come strictly from selfish desire. We have insecurities and when people do something that makes us feel insecure about ourselves, society tells us that we're allowed to be mad because, well something happened that made us feel bad. We shouldn't ignore this feeling, we should communicate to each other about it, but allowing ourselves to get angry and berate someone is rarely productive. I'm starting to believe that I should love every person as I wish to love them, in the best way that I know how, whatever that happens to be. I don't think it makes sense to draw lines in the sand beyond that. We try to label our relationships we have with others in order to attach value or significance to them, but that's merely a reflection of our own desire to be valued. We don't need binding agreements between one another to show each other love. What we need is hone…

Life is what you make it.

Life is what you make it. It's funny to put it so simply, but it's really hard to argue with. I would imagine the majority of my problems are things that I just don't understand. Honestly, things I think are problems might very well be good things for me to deal with. I think the fact that I feel overweight is frustrating. It's a good reminder that life is what you make it. I could be in better shape if I put the time into it. And I will. Not running due to this shoulder injury has been far more frustrating than I had anticipated. I've begun to enjoy running, perhaps it's just something about the movement, that I'm a being designed for travel that really gets my body and mind operating properly. It's funny to contemplate what defines yourself. At least I think it's a novel pursuit. Perhaps I've just never considered how important self definition is. I want to craft myself, to make myself into something that I would admire as an onlooker. Not adm…

Embrace the weird

I think I might be killing myself a little bit. Only in the sense that my body may expire faster living like I am. I'm glad I'm exercising again. It feels really good to be tired. I need more friends that share my weekends. Though, I must say, my friends are kind of awesome. It's good to know when people get you. Sometimes it's fun when they don't though. Just gotta keep it spicy I guess, just embrace that weird.

I want a keyboard. I just want to play around with it. I just am really bad at actually doing things. I keep holding myself back from things. I need to have more confidence. I need to embrace not being sure what to do and going anyway. I really want to seize the whole self starter thing. I'll get there. I mean I'm wild and I'm young, I just need to remember to never lose my dinosaur. Seriously. I don't want to. JT is good at just switching his songs up. I need sleep so bad. Maybe I'm just real tired. Maybe that's why it feels like I…

Do better.

When is civilization finally going to grow up and realize that the solutions to all of our problems start at the exact same level as the problems themselves: at the individual. When a wrong deed is done, there is an individual who does it, it's not "a system". That individual has a choice, and unfortunately, individuals like to convince themselves that they don't.

When as individuals will we stop choosing to support actions that promise us comfort and security at the cost of true justice. When will we be brave enough to accept responsibility for ourselves and for all of the injustices our actions bring upon the world. We need to realize that if any improvement is going to happen in this world, it's going to start within each and every one of us, with each and every one of our actions every single day. Stop pretending that this whole morality thing is so complicated. The rule is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and not "as they do…

I want to lose myself.

Discontent is a very interesting feeling. I think we try so hard to get more of what we want that we lose sight of what's best for us and what will make us happiest in the long run.

My current struggle is with work. I have a great job, I am blessed really, but the stuff I am working on these days is entirely uninteresting to me. I see no improvement that I'm actually providing to the world. I don't see how we're going to keep paying for pharmaceutical "improvements" when the majority of the people on the planet can't afford it. It seems as if the health care industry is upside down as the rich take from the sick and their families.

I want to do something that's going to help the majority of people. I want to love comfortably, but more than that I want to live freely, and live to help the world. I don't want to leave a legacy of self interest or self importance. For all I'm concerned, my "self", as I know it, is simply the physical …

Lost and numb

I feel lost and oddly numb tonight. I don't really know what is happening to me emotionally. I think there is still a very big hole in my life, and it's all because Maddo is gone. I try to act as if I'm moving on, but I know I don't want to be alone. I've dealt with losing the best friendship I've ever had for the past 40 some days. And it hasn't really gotten much better. I feel an ocean of different emotions, from anger, to regret, to disappointment and rejection. But I've never stopped loving her. I don't think I will stop for quite some time, which is probably why I shouldn't date for a good long while. It would be entirely unfair to the other person. I just need to be able to be open about the past. I'm sure I'll find the right girl for me eventually (and probably spend some fun times with others along the way), but I need to focus on reality. What should I be doing with my life to be happy? I need a different role at work. Spray dr…

Perspective

I really wouldn't trade anything for our time together. It's weird to think I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't fallen in love with you. But I don't want to be anybody else. And I can't thank you enough for that.

I love you.

Hope

I had lunch with Maddo today, which was a weird thing to do after crying myself to sleep, but when I saw her, I realized I didn't want to be with her. I didn't want what we had. What I still want is what I thought I had. But what I thought I had isn't what I lost.

What I lost was a flawed relationship, full of the problems I never knew how to deal with, many of which I wasn't willing to admit at the time.

But where I'm trying to go with this is everything I went through with her was absolutely worth it, because I was happy. I still can't really grasp yet how much it's taught me, and how much I'm still learning in reflection. And the peace I feel when I think about it like that is undeniable, and gives me a lot of hope for the next relationship I have.

Because I'm flawed, and she will be too, but I look forward to my love for her being strengthened by those flaws. But that's only going to happen if she's willing to reflect like I am, if sh…

Interaction issues

It shouldn't be hard to be alone. It is for me though. I don't know what to do and I get restless. I probably should relax more, soak it in. I like to work out alone. Be on my own schedule and all.

I think I feed on conversation. Like it powers me like a fuel. My mind feels alive when someone is talking to me, debating with me, thinking with me. I want to be with someone who enjoys exploring their own thoughts. I think I would love to do it with them.

Why do people try to change each other? I want to change me first, get better, adapt, thrive, exist. I want to celebrate my life, and I want to have people around who want to do the same thing. Life is a gift, sometimes it's hard, but we're still here, and things can always get better. They really can. People probably should be more optimistic. It just makes life better to live with hope than dreading it in despair. Being sad is a funny thing. Because we couldn't really understand be happy if we didn't deal with …

More wandering thoughts

I never want to "fit" into somebody's plan for life. I don't want to have a plan, that's probably why. I wish that it were easier to understand other people's desires, but maybe I'm trying to hard there. Half the time, they're probably not even sure why they're doing what they're doing. I found myself in a bar last night just because I really had nothing better to do, or so I thought. There's got to be better things to do than going to a bar on a Wednesday night.

Maybe I should join a book club or something like that. I want to sit around and discuss things more than I get to. Nobody seems to want to talk about what they're going through in their lives. I guess I don't really know how to go about starting good conversation. I think I need to work on the way I come across to people. I have my principles, and I've thought about how they apply to my life quite a bit, but perhaps I come across as set in my ways, when there are few t…

I guess you could call it a pep talk.

It's hard to realize when you don't actually understand the world. It's so easy to have it all figured out when you're on top of it, and everyone in your life loves you. But change, as it is the nature of the world, happens to everything. Not everything is perfect, and not everybody will be willing to make something you value better. It doesn't mean they're doing something wrong when they're really not hurting you, at least not intentionally, and especially when you go into the agreement knowing it's not just a possibility, but a likelihood that you will get hurt if you commit to much. But I guess that's why we play the game. Because you only score when you play, but you can't always win. At least we can try to play in the next game. Maybe I wasn't really going in enough. Maybe I've been too content to sit on the sidelines of my own life. What if I could have made plays? I'm sure I've missed some of them, a lot of them, but that…

A disjointed rambling session.

I feel remarkably content today. Just a calm that I can't really describe. This feeling is how I understand the idea of "peace beyond understanding" because there's really no cause for it. I have so much that I could choose to worry about, but to do so would be so pointless. 

I really want to purchase a firearm because I feel like it stakes a claim in my right to defend myself. Liberty requires us to live in a way that we can take care of ourselves, and part of taking care of yourself is self-defense.
I went to the coast yesterday. Jumped in the ocean and fought off hypothermia. It's amazing how doing something unwise can make you feel so alive. Ran out of gas on the pass too. Pretty good stuff. Colby came with me. That Colby's a good guy. Very good at going through with impulsive decisions. I think I need to be more impulsive. I think it's really easy to overthink every little thing you do. Especially if you worry about money all the time. I need more ad…

From emotions to volunteerism.

It's amazing how much of a roller-coaster my emotions are these days. I feel like I can go from the bottom of the ocean to the top of the world at the drop of a hat. I think I have trouble gripping with certainty. When the one thing you're certain about changes, it's pretty unnerving. But, I'm not the first person to be broken up with, and I certainly don't want to wallow in my pain. I wonder what I could do for other people.

Maybe I should start volunteering somewhere. I like to teach people how to do things. Maybe I could help teach kids math. I bet there's a lot of kids who could use the help. I should look into it. I'm not ready for a huge commitment, but I could start with something like once a month. I should look for learning centers that need volunteers. I'm sure they always need volunteers.
I wonder what else I could volunteer for. I'd like to do something to promote the idea of liberty. Everybody wants liberty for themselves, but I think s…

Am I depressed?

Is this what depression feels like? I think I might need some sort of therapy. But I don't really want to pay for it. I'm just so low and want somebody to care about me. I miss her so much. I wish I would've realized just how low I was. I was so uninterested in my life and that's no fun to live with. I don't know what I want to do. I want to wait for her. 

It's probably not healthy though. I'm not ready to move on yet. I guess it's almost been a month now since my reality change. I've been running away from it. I don't know how to face it though. I don't want to be without her. The problem with heartbreak is there just so much pain and all you can do is try to accept it. I feel like I never got a warning. And that's probably because I didn't. The way she broke the news to me felt so selfish. "I'm leaving, I don't want you to come. Sorry." How did I mean so little to you? I think I just can't comprehend why you&#…

Step three: let it flow.

I wonder how much different my thoughts are from those around me. Do we all ponder the same general questions? Of is the human experience so unique that we will always struggle to relate with one another. I guess relating would still be difficult if we are thinking about the same stuff or not. Do we really value empathy as a society? And if we do, how much thought do we give toward it at an individual level? Do people even want to make thinking about how other people feel a priority? I sure hope so. If not, I don't see how we will ever make progress as a species. 

Perhaps we just don't have the technology to communicate our thoughts with each other effectively. But that can't be it, we've been able to write letters to each other for centuries and have been able to communicate electronically for decades. 
People must really just not care enough about each other to stay in touch. But that makes sense in a way. People change, priorities change, and so the people we stay c…

Step two: keep writing.

It's funny how thoughts can just disappear. They aren't tangible in any sense, though I guess they must have some effect on your brain. I wonder if choosing to think about things causes your brain to physically change. It's got to, I've heard memories are essentially rewritten every time you try to recall them. Perhaps that's how we get out of touch with one another. We start to revise history about our lives events into stories that we like to remember. Without sharing those stories with each other, we probably start to remember things differently. It's hard not to think about getting "dumped". The term dumped is funny, it's like you're trash. I guess breaking up is a gentler term. I wish I knew how to get people to communicate with me like I'm willing to with them. It's hard, because I don't want to demand it, I just want them to want to. I think people are too uncomfortable with being uncomfortable. Comfort zones seem dangerous …

Step one: start writing.

Upon publishing this, I realized I need to be more open about how I feel with everyone in my life. I think I was realizing it while I wrote it, perhaps writing it is what made me come to realize it. But here it is. I hope I don't hurt anybody's feelings with this. These are just the thoughts of a boy with a broken heart.

What would I say to her if she would listen? I really do wonder. I would want her to see it. But only if she cared to. I would just want to be able to slip it in her back pocket. Maybe she'd stumble upon it someday. Maybe she'd read it, and she would understand me better. I wonder if it's because I don't completely understand her intentions. I don't know what she's looking for in the Virgin Islands, and I'm curious. I hope it's okay for me to be curious about her. I want her to be curious about me. That's the awful truth of it too. I care as much about her opinion as I do my own. More than anyone else in my life, more than my…